| Large Breasts Are A Myth: Panic In The Streets | ||||||||||||||||||||
| It Rubs The Lotion On Its Skin. It Puts The Lotion In The Basket. Do A Little Dance. Make A Little Love. Get Down Tonight. | To Recieve Your Very Own Taystee(tm) Brand Lamprey Eel ABSOLUTELY FREE, simply perch atop a wooden ladder and leap into a medium-sized pile of used bandages. Then affix twelve 32 cent stamps to your crotch and mail yourself to: Taystee Eel Offer P.O. Box 3 Skaruyoo, Antarctica 600078 (This offer not valid on Earth. Offer ends last tuesday) | |||||||||||||||||||
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I make things explode. Kerplow, there goes something else. I like making things explode. Kablooey. One Christmas when I was very young, I asked the mall Santa Claus if I could have a kitty cat, but I didn't get it. That is why I must kill you. (Editors note: Large breasts are NOT a myth. I can tell you, mine are GIGANTIC and perky and supple. Powerful, wealthy men travel from miles away just to gaze upon my heaving mounds of satiny goodness. So there.) |
Water Soup with Dead Squirrel ingredients: 1 squirrel 2 lbs. Crushed ice 4 tblspns vanilla extract 3 1/2 cups flour 3/4 cup sugar 17 lbs. ground beef 2 onions, chopped finely 1) Mix vanilla, flour, sugar, beef, onions in a round garbage can with wire whisk. 2) Put garbage can out by the curb so the garbage man can pick it up on Friday. 3) Put ice in a large pan on high heat. 4) Cook ice on high until it becomes water (i.e. no big pieces only lots of liquid) 5) Hit squirrel with a rolled up newspaper to your desired level of deadness. 6) Toss squirrel in pan and serve. | |||||||||||||||||||
| Feminist sues Hungry Man Dinners; "I'm hungry too!" | ||||||||||||||||||||
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How To Bleed Properly by Insect13 First, you must be hurt. There are several options. You can hurt yourself, ask somebody else to hurt you, or wait until you are hurt by "accident". Waiting for an "accident" could take a substantial amount of time, so I would use this as a last resort. Once you've been hurt, the first thing you should ask yourself is, "Am I bleeding?" Examine the hurt area. If you are not bleeding (i.e. there is no blood) then repeat the injury (if possible.) Again, this might take some time if you're using the "wait for an accident" method. If you are bleeding, bravo! You're almost there! Make sure there is a good steady flow of blood from the injured area. If drops of blood are not spilling on the floor and all over your clothing, you might want to exagerrate the injury, maybe by gouging the area with rusty scissors. Once this is done, get in your car (or bicycle, bus, taxi, etc.) and drive to a crowded building. Maybe a mall, or government office. Now, run around in a circle, flinging blood with your hands. You may shout slogans or literature quotes or anything of your choosing, just be interesting. Guess what... You're bleeding properly! (postscript: If, after you've injured yourself and are on your way to a public place, you lose consciousness or die, you are NOT bleeding properly. Please re-read this chapter and try it again. You can do it!) | ||||||||||||||||||||
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Insect13 has made sweet, sweet love to
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